HEY! Wow I’m sorry for my absence. Like, really sorry. Finals kinda killed me, and I’m still in recovery so. But nonetheless I shall continue blogging, gifs and all, and continue to try and deliver some good content.
So without a further a due let’s get this story rollin’
The following is an abridged version of actual events:
Now, I really don’t like going on dates. Why? Because I get nervous, I have to pretend to care about someone who I really don’t know, I hate small talk, I’m usually bloated because I eat so much, and shaving is too much work.
What I’d rather do
So I re-download Tinder after a several-month break out of boredom and I match with this guy who I thought wasn’t THAT cute, but hey, like I said, boredom. We talk and he seems pretty nice and he keeps pushing to meet. Work didn’t schedule me Friday or Saturday, and I really didn’t feel like spending another weekend just sitting on my phone doing nothing. I agree to meet him Friday night at the place where I work because I actually love the restaurant. I could get my employee discount and even though I have a fake ID all the servers and I are friends so we could get drinks. 
Friday night rolls around and I don’t really expect much so I throw on a tshirt and some jeans and keep my hair looking aggressively bedhead-y. I have this thing where I hate being the first one to the date so I plan to leave at a time that will get me there a fashionable 5 minutes late
I walk in, sit at the bar that wasn’t too busy yet and see he’s not there. So I strike up a boring convo with a bartender who I’m close with and tell her about the guy I’m waiting for. She gives me a Pinot Grigio (because I’m a forty year old soccer mom) to “calm the nerves?” But I tell her that I’m not nervous and more here just for entertainment. I chug the wine oh so classily to get a slight buzz to make this more bearable and realize I don’t remember his name. Joe? Jack? John? No josh…JOSH. That was it…Josh. 20 minutes later, and no Josh. This isn’t fucking fashionable Josh, just rude. The bar was starting to get a little busier and couldn’t help but keep eye fucking a cute corporate dude next to me.
30 minutes…no Josh(?) I get a text saying he’s here and I walk to the door to meet him. Oh well; bye, corporate daddy. I see a cute guy with groomed dirty blonde hair, brown eyes, a little scruff, baby face, athletic but skinny build walk in.He gives me a small smile and I let out a “HEY!” I say, trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible. The cynic in me makes this impossible about 99% of the time. He comes up to me and offers me a HANDSHAKE. A fucking handshake…
Like we’re about to talk construction contracts and business agreements.
But whatever, I make a joke about everything, no one’s safe. “Sorry I’m so late,”he says. “My mom had to drop my brother off first for practice.”
Jesus Christ What am I doing?
I just realized I have NO idea how old this guy is. But I just assume he has car troubles, had to get a ride, and brush it off.
I let the hostess know we’re ready and as she’s walking in front of us, I realize my friend has not said a single word besides “hey,” and his reason for being more than 30 minutes late. So we sit down and he immediately starts reading the menu with weird determination. I quickly realized that I’m gonna have to put in some effort now. So I ask the painfully normal “How was your day?”
“good”
“…That’s good. What sport does your brother play?”
“soccer.”
“Oh cool! I used to play soccer too, but I’m not super coordinated *insert gays playing sports joke*”
*no response, just menu reading*
Okay, have you ever seen “Monster in Law” with Jane Fonda and J-Lo and J-Lo has that vision of smacking Jane Fonda in the head with a pan? I was quickly approaching that point. But I persevere.
“Do you play any sports?”
“…no…”
“That’s okay, athletes are always more fun to watch any way 😉 haha”
“…”
Okay I’m starting to fear he’s gonna stab me. I think I’m having more of a connection with the crickets on his side of the table. My friend, Mikayla, who was our server comes over and we say our hey’s and when she asks who my friend is I introduce him as “my friend Josh.”
My friend Josh who won’t even look up from the soup and salad section of the menu for 10 fucking seconds and say hi.
I look at her and she looks at me like what the FUCK?! and I just mouth the words: “help me.” She laughs before asking what we want to drink so I tell her I’ll have a water and when she asks Josh he just mutters “Shirly Temple.”
Jesus Christ I’m on a date with a mute, scruffy 12 year old. Right before she walks away I ask her to sneak me a shot of fireball.
This was more for his well being than mine because I was quickly losing my naturally low patience supply.
Mikayla brings the water and my shot. We order our food, yah-dee-yah-da, the usual. The date continues to go on as it has, one word responses, or none at all, on his part and I finally lost it.
“so Josh how’s your burger?”
“fine.”
“Oh did they not cook it right or something?”
“….”
“Josh……Josh……JOSH!!”
“Okay I’m Sorry.”
“For what being 30 minutes late or having a maximum of 10 characters to your responses?”
“Both. This is my first date with a guy, and I’m really nervous, and my mom thinks I’m with a friend and his parents right now.”
It’s right about now that I’m asking why these type of things happen to me.
“Josh, How old are you?” I ask.
“I’ll be 16 next month”
I am on a date with a freshmen in fucking high school, who I thought was atleast 18.
I reassure him that it’s okay, that he can calm down, and that we can finish our food and go. And then I get hit with:
“So you can take me home right?”
Excuse me? Now I literally am a 40 year old soccer mom.
“Ummm…your mother isn’t coming to get you?
“Well I assumed that…you would be okay with it…and I didn’t want her to find out I’m…it’s okay…I can call my friend”
Now I’m starting to feel bad. I know EXACTLY how he’s feeling but like WHY ME GOD?!
I let out a sigh and tell him that it’s okay and that I can drive him home. He THEN goes:
“Okay thanks. But you had some to drink.”
FUCK. I’m sober but should anything happen I would LITERALLY be charged with endangering the welfare of a child and I couldn’t put this kid at risk. Plus I didn’t wanna make him feel any more uncomfortable. So I pay for our dinner, I call a fucking cab, and the whole time were waiting he just keeps saying he’s sorry. Like what else am I gonna say besides It’s okay don’t worry about it? Plus, I really did feel bad. The cab arrives, we get in, and Josh gives him his address; luckily it was only 10 minutes away.
We take off, and it’s silent for like 3 minutes before Josh turns to me and says “I really am sorry, I don’t want you to think you did anything wrong. You’re really nice and really hot actually.” and puts his hand on my thigh and starts moving it towards my dick. 
ABORT MISSION. I REPEAT, ABORT MISSION. THERE IS A MINOR’S HAND ON MY CROTCH.
He’s looking at me with these big puppy eyes and I’m so freaked out by the whole situation that I swear I am in the twilight zone. AND, how the FUCK did this kid go from shy closet boy, to grab-your-crotch-in-a-cab-Tinder-boy? I give him a smile and gently push his hand away and let him know that he is not only too young for me, but that’s illegal. (LOL that I would get with a guy 12 years older than me, but anyway). We get to his house, apologizes again, gives me an awkward side hug in the cab, leaves, and I tell the cab driver to take me back to the restaurant.
I get my phone out, unlock it, swipe to the tinder app, hold my finger over it till it starts shaking, and press the little x, deleting it…again.
Till next time, babes.
-Haute
FITNESS-FASHION-LIFESTYLE 